By Dr. Brazita Dancy, Founder of Divinely Consecrated
She’s good to me. So why am I still looking at other women—scrolling their pages, hoping they notice me, and keeping those moments to myself?
A reflection written through an imagined man’s inner conversation.
She hasn’t done anything wrong.
That’s what makes this hard to explain.
We laugh. The attraction is there. She checks on me. Remembers things I mention. When I have a rough day, she wants to hear about it.
I can picture a future with her.
Then somebody attractive gives me attention, and apparently I can picture a few other things, too.
I don’t say that out loud.
I say, “We were just talking.”
Which is true.
It’s what I wanted out of the conversation that I keep leaving out.
I Like Knowing I Still Can
Sometimes I’m not even interested enough to take her out.
I just like that she’s interested in me.
I like seeing her name pop up. Making her laugh. Knowing that if I wanted to, there might be something there.
Then I go back to the woman I say I want.
She asks how my day was.
“Nothing much.”
Meanwhile, I’ve had a whole little experience I’m keeping to myself.
I want the security of knowing she’s there and the excitement of knowing somebody else could be.
And I keep acting like those two things won’t eventually collide.
I’m Just Scrolling. So Why Am I Hiding the Screen?
She’s sitting right beside me.
We finally have a quiet evening, and I’m watching another woman’s backside bounce up and down on my phone.
Once. Twice.
Then I open her page.
Let me see what else she posted.
I like what I like. That’s my explanation.
But why am I still here ten minutes later?
Why am I checking the comments? Looking for a link? Going back tomorrow?
Sometimes I tap the heart. Sometimes I don’t, because I know somebody might see it.
Either way, I’m giving a stranger attention while the woman I’m with is waiting for me to put the phone down.
Then she leans over, and I scroll.
Quickly.
“What are you looking at?”
“Nothing.”
It wasn’t nothing a second ago.
Finding another person attractive happens. I also know when I’ve moved from noticing someone to deliberately looking for more.
And sometimes, if I’m honest, I’m wishing.
Wishing she would notice me.
Wishing I could experience her without losing what I already have.
Wishing I were single for a night and still had my relationship in the morning.
That tells me more than “I’m just scrolling.”
Why Do I Need Her to Notice Me?
I see an attractive woman, and suddenly I’m doing a little extra.
Standing where she can see me. Finding a reason to speak. Working an accomplishment into the conversation that nobody asked about.
I check whether she’s looking.
Online, I leave a comment with just enough personality to stand out. React to her story. Find a question I could have answered myself.
I call it networking. Being sociable.
But I know when I’m trying to create an opening.
If I’m so satisfied with my life, why does being noticed by her feel like something I need to accomplish?
Maybe I want reassurance that I’m still attractive.
Maybe I enjoy the pursuit more than I admit.
Maybe I’m uncertain about my relationship and avoiding a decision.
I need to find out which answer belongs to me.
Because right now, I’m putting effort into getting somebody’s attention while telling my partner I’ve been too busy to call.
The New Woman Doesn’t Know Me Yet
She hasn’t asked why I didn’t do what I promised.
We haven’t disagreed about anything important.
She doesn’t know how I respond when I’m embarrassed, irritated, or challenged.
Right now, I’m funny. Interesting. Easy to talk to.
I enjoy being that man.
With my partner, there’s history. Conversations I owe her. Things I said I would work on.
With someone new, I get to skip that for a while.
I tell myself the connection feels different.
Of course it does. We haven’t had to do anything difficult together.
Am I interested in knowing her—or enjoying the chance to be impressive again?
I Don’t Want to Leave. I Want to Get Away With This.
That sounds terrible.
Some days, it’s more honest than “I’m confused.”
Because I’m clear about wanting my woman in my life.
I want our routines. Our plans. The comfort of calling her after a long day. The way she knows what I like.
I just don’t want to close every other door.
So I keep an old connection warm.
Let somebody believe I’m more available than I am.
Answer a message in a way that encourages another one.
Nothing I consider worth losing my relationship over.
But apparently enough to risk it.
Then She Asks About My Phone
Suddenly, I have a lot to say about privacy.
I don’t want to be monitored. That concern is real.
I also know there’s a conversation I would rather she didn’t read.
Instead of answering her question, I question her trust.
Now we’re arguing about her suspicions.
The message is still there.
And I’ve made her defend her reaction before I’ve explained my behavior.
Privacy matters. So does being honest about what I’m protecting.
Maybe Something Really Is Missing
Maybe I’ve said I miss affection.
Maybe we’ve talked about our sex life, how distant we feel, or how every evening has become chores and separate screens.
Maybe she’s told me what she misses, too.
Those concerns deserve attention. Being good to each other doesn’t automatically make us compatible, and caring about someone doesn’t settle every question about our future.
But have I genuinely addressed those questions?
Or am I quietly looking for another option while letting her believe we’re building the same thing?
I can say:
“I care about you, but I’m uncertain about our future.”
“I miss feeling connected, and I want us to address it.”
“I haven’t been honest about what I’m ready to offer.”
She may not like my answer. She deserves the information.
What If She Were Doing Exactly What I’m Doing?
Same scrolling.
Same messages.
Same effort to get another man’s attention.
Same missing details about how serious our relationship is.
Would “I just like what I like” satisfy me?
Would I accept “nothing happened” if she had been making sure something could?
Would I call it harmless—or would I feel played?
I can answer that quickly when I’m the person who might get hurt.
Brother, What Are You Actually Looking For?
Another relationship?
Sex?
Reassurance?
A break from responsibility?
Someone who hasn’t seen you fall short?
There may be more than one answer. Give yourself an honest one before involving another person in the confusion.
You’re allowed to decide a relationship isn’t right for you. You’re allowed to have needs and express them.
You’re responsible for the commitments you make and the impression you deliberately give.
If you’ve agreed to exclusivity, the exceptions need more than your private approval.
Bring God the Part You Keep Explaining Away
“God, I like the attention.”
“God, I’m uncertain, and I’ve been letting her believe I’m sure.”
“God, I keep repeating this, and I need to face it.”
Start there.
Psalm 139:23–24 offers a prayer asking God to examine our hearts and guide us. Bring the actual choices into that reflection.
What conversation needs to end?
What truth needs to be spoken?
What boundary do you need around your social media use?
What apology needs to include a change someone can see?
You may not control what happens after you become honest. You can choose to stop adding another layer of secrecy.
Before You Begin Looking at Other Women
And before you look at her/their profile(s):
Ask yourself:
- What am I hoping to feel?
- Am I deliberately trying to get her attention?
- What does she believe about my availability?
- What have I promised my partner?
- Would I accept this behavior from her?
- What decision am I postponing?
Then take one concrete step.
Put the phone away during time together. Stop initiating a flirtation you intend to conceal. Have the conversation you’ve been avoiding. Seek support if you keep returning to choices you want to change.
Follow through after the uncomfortable moment passes.
Take the Men’s Self-Reflection Assessment
If you recognized yourself here, give yourself room to examine it honestly.
The free Men’s Self-Reflection Assessment invites you to reflect on your relationships, responsibilities, recurring patterns, and what you want to change.
Take the Free Men’s Self-Reflection Assessment
This is a tool for personal reflection, not a diagnosis or a verdict on your character.
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You keep saying she’s good to you. What is it like for her to be with you?
